Couples Therapy and Counselling - What to expect
Most couples don’t struggle because they don’t care about each other. More often, they become caught in ways of relating that repeat themselves, sometimes despite both people wanting things to be different. Couples counselling creates an opportunity to slow those patterns down, understand what is happening underneath and find different ways of responding to one another.
Looking beyond who is right
When couples are distressed, it is understandable that each person arrives with a detailed account of what the other is doing wrong.
Sometimes there are very real behaviours that need to change. Couples therapy is not about pretending that every difficulty is equally caused by both people, or that harmful behaviour should simply be understood from both sides. But repeatedly deciding who won the argument rarely changes the relationship. A more useful question is often: What happens between us when things go wrong?
This means becoming curious about the sequence. What triggers the difficulty? What does each person feel? What meaning do they give to their partner’s behaviour? What do they then do to protect themselves? And how does that response affect the other person? Once a couple can begin to recognise the cycle, there is considerably more room to change it.
The relationships you grew up with come with you
None of us enters an adult relationship without a history. Our early experiences of closeness, conflict, affection, criticism, vulnerability and repair can shape what we expect from intimate relationships, often without us being particularly aware of it. Someone raised in a family where conflict was loud and quickly resolved may experience arguing very differently from someone whose family dealt with tension through silence or withdrawal. One partner may need reassurance and closeness when distressed, while the other instinctively needs space. One may regard talking through a problem as an expression of care. The other may experience exactly the same conversation as pressure.
Couples counselling can therefore involve exploring family-of-origin experiences, previous relationships, emotional wounds, individual coping styles and personality differences - not to remain in the past but to understand what each person is bringing into the relationship in the present.
What happens in couples counselling?
My approach combines practical relationship work with a more insight-oriented exploration of what is happening underneath recurring difficulties.
Depending on the couple, sessions may involve:
identifying recurring patterns of interaction and conflict;
developing clearer and more constructive communication;
strengthening listening and emotional understanding;
exploring individual emotional triggers and coping responses;
considering how family-of-origin experiences influence the present relationship;
understanding personality and neurodivergent differences;
developing strategies for managing conflict and repairing after ruptures;
identifying strengths and what already works within the relationship; and
helping each partner communicate their feelings, boundaries and needs more effectively.
Often, the work is about creating a series of small shifts: understanding a trigger differently, responding with a less defensiveness, saying something more clearly or repairing more quickly after conflict. Over time, those small changes can significantly alter the feel of a relationship.
Couples therapy cannot guarantee a particular outcome. What it can provide is a space in which the relationship can be looked at more slowly and carefully - with room for practical change, deeper understanding and the possibility of relating to one another differently.
Brennan McCormick
Registered Counsellor
Couples counselling | Young adults | Neurodiversity